For non-drivers a dead man’s
curve exposes an inner belt
deep within. Just as suddenly,
just as lethal, just as exhilarating
for the survivor. But I
don’t know if I should accelerate
around this grief.
For non-drivers a dead man’s
curve exposes an inner belt
deep within. Just as suddenly,
just as lethal, just as exhilarating
for the survivor. But I
don’t know if I should accelerate
around this grief.
I collect dates
as if they were door
handles. Seek the perfectly shaped one
to build a saudade
life around. Your birth, or death,
or the afternoon you got divorced—
it could be one of those.
But I choose to lock
my eyes on a calendar
with the first day of school
circled in red. Tuesday,
September 2nd, 1980. You looked right
in red. Let the vintage ink
smear. Now I will too.
If I could reduce the number
of times a day I believe
I’m a fraud.
Could understand why
some love objects get
labeled the Symbol,
others the Story—never
the End. If you could still
talk, would you tell me
the truth? Did you think
I was a virgin? Could you tell,
or did the blushing
camouflage fact,
heighten fiction’s glow?
If death has not rendered you
speechless, please spill
your signal over this chorus
chanting me home.
My mother could replace the broken
record, not my broken
heart. No one stepped on it—I
was born this way.
Yes, I do this thing to live
life twice.
To get a second chance
to say
the right thing, glance
at you
from the right angle,
take charge
when you hesitate,
lean back
in silence when it’s your turn.
I’ll learn to accept all these
little deaths
when you show me how in the next
revision.
Humor me—let’s pretend
you’re not dead. I’m young
enough to think I can still
drink. To believe you
think about me 30 minutes
before dawn, 30 minutes
after dusk. Not all promises
will be broken. You’ll make me laugh
more than cry. And I’ll see
that ridiculous smile,
those chuckling eyes,
when I can’t stop
writing these poems
about a dead man.
Always a bit of gravel
or tar stuck to the bottom
of my shoe. Seldom
anyone watching
when I knock it off.
Haven’t studied a piece
of sculpture in over a month.
Longer for a painting
on a wall or dance performance
on some specific site.
I’m using
pretzel formation
to collect images
to keep from losing
my mind—you are gone.
How long do I wallow
in your death?
It was so long ago,
your kisses tasted
like smoke, not mine.
Mixed in with a bundle of continuing education
junk mail, she pulls out a letter
originally postmarked August 17, 1981. No explanation
for how it made its snail
of all snails way to her current mail box
given how many addresses and lives
she has slipped through in 30 years. This is a poem,
not a documentary on the US Postal Service. She doesn’t
recognize the return address—all but rubbed out
from decades of dodging the dead
letter office. She hesitates to open it
for fear it will crumble in her fingers—sender
identity lost in a palm
full of stationery dust. Swallowing hard, she tears
from the top. Is jarred
by the careful construction
of each letter to each word. Such elegance
from a male hand. She instantly recognizes
the handwriting. It’s from you.
A brief missive. Spending a week on the Cape
with relatives before returning
to another school year of pushing numbers
to students the way someone else might sell the alphabet—
C&M, H, LSD, MJ, PCP. It ends:
My dear, my heart is breaking
as I realize you are gone
forever. Next time we meet, you will no longer be
a teenage girl dolled up in blushes
and high heels. Were they for me? You will be
an adult—I will be too intimidated to touch
even a strand of your hair. Next time
we meet, you won’t remember how
I say your name. My dear, this is life. Trust me
when I say it’s for the best.
All that we mourn today becomes enriched sod
we use tomorrow to keep growing. Or we perish.
Carefully folding and tucking the letter away, she wonders
how she got so lucky to receive mail from the dead.
Not ready—not ready
for what? Sexy architecture
exposed to the naked
and untrained. To mourn
another death I missed
during my two-year
blackout. To check into a library
hotel. Talk to the dead
for ten days straight
about a dress I might wear. Remember
my dreams again. Or, it is this:
I have put everything down—the bottle,
smokes, the pen I’ve used
to write letters of desperation. It is that
I’m just not ready to go.
You didn’t even meet the life
expectancy of a galvanized
gabion. Nothing quarried
could ever fill you.
In the end, I wouldn’t have satisfied
that thirst for the irretrievable—
youth, unpredictable distortions
of a scrambled mind. It was you
who thought I wasn’t ready
to be so contained. Through mesh
and shadows, I see now
where I might have been
able to tuck myself in.